I need a new phone. My current phone has the battery cover falling off it because I fiddle with things all the time, and since I have my phone with me all the time it seems to get all the punishment from this. And then I drop it, and bits fly off in all directions. It mostly still works, but it's a few years old and the battery doesn't last for more than a couple of days anyway.

So I really need a new phone.

As far as I can see though I'm too unfashionable, or I'm not geeky enough, or I'm too geeky. Well, something is wrong with me anyway, because nobody makes a phone for me.

My Dream Phone

My dream phone is not something that is bleeding edge, but it is seemingly impossible for phone manufacturers to sell such a thing to the phone companies.

What's so hard about that? It seems that all of the features I am after are possible, and have been possible for years. My problem is that the phone manufacturers and marketers have arbitrarily decided that everyone wants to have an (undreadable in sunlight) colour display, except for cheap bastards. And cheap bastards are clearly cheap bastards and so wouldn't dare to want any other features.

Personally I would happily pay $300 for a new phone with no camera, no music player, no video calling, no picture messaging and no "crap of the week" option... Of course it would have to be small, have good battery life, a monochrome display, have an alarm clock, work in other countries and be reasonably stylish. If it had bluetooth, high-speed data capability and a (basic, simple) appointment calendar I'd pay another $300 easy.

Since my phone currently transforms into a 3D jigsaw puzzle at the drop of a hat it rapidly becomes a conversation piece and I have had universal agreement that while functionality like camera, movie and mp3 player might appeal to some people, nobody I know wants to use the phone as much more than a communication device. Invariably the people I'm talking to acknowledge that while the set of such people might exist and might even be large, they are not actually a part of it.

The "I Just Want a Phone" Options

Some of the manufacturers seem to have noticed that people want a simpler, kinder phone. Unfortunately they are targetting their offerings at the octogenarian market, rather than their children. Yes, I do "Just Want a Phone", but I am not yet palsied and could still hit the buttons on something that is 35mm x 90mm x 15mm thank you very much. If I could find one.

My general communication does also involve the use of other devices from time to time, such as a laptop and an internet tablet, so it would be "nice to have" the ability to do bluetooth and high-speed data.

The Best Phone I Ever Had

The best phone I have ever had was a Nokia 8310. It was nearly small enough to be perfect. It had a monochrome, sunlight-readable display. It had an excellent battery life (regularly lasting more than a week on standby). The model was so functional and usable it has, of course, been discontinued.

Since then, it seems, all of the small, stylish phones must have an unreadable-in-sunlight colour display, and most of them have a bunch of other stuff to add weight and size to the device and make it chew through batteries as quickly as possible.

Every few months I take a look through the current offerings, but it seems I'm just too weird.

Perhaps I could steal that Nokia 8310 back off my wife now that she has a new battery for it...